20 April, 2020 - Anger vs Acceptance
Dear, Mom-
First off, I miss you. I mss you to the point that it makes me angry. I am angry because I don't have any control over the situation of being able to see you. The closest thing I can compare it to is being in prison for having done nothing wrong. I wish I could come get you and just bring you home to be with me, but it is not that simple. Nothing right now is simple or easy and that is why I am angry.
I am not angry at you. Quite the opposite. I want you to be angry with me against these things that keep us apart. Maybe if we look out into open spaces, we can scare that which keeps us apart away with our steely gaze. At this point, it is worth a shot.
So, tonight as I write this, I guess I am just feeling a lot of emotion. I haven't been angry before, but tonight it is the one feeling that is pushing through. Next comes sadness and depression, but I am working through it. I am trying, for both of our sakes, to be hopeful. I want to be hopeful that this is just a test and we will pass it together. And then we can actually be together, smiling, laughing, telling jokes, hugging, and just being present with one another. We'll be happy for how fortunate we are having made it through the tough times. Together, together, together...
With all that aside, I tried to be productive today. I had to go to the chiropractor this morning. It was very helpful. My back and neck feel much better. Then I had to go to the store for some groceries. I went to a more expensive grocery store because I needed a fragrance free soap that only they carry. After $80, I can out with two bags of goods (including two bars of soap). Then I went home, sanitized everything I bought with bleach water and put the groceries away. After that, I drilled some holes in some tins and planted my garden starts (that took the afternoon, it seems). Hopefully, we will have tomatillos, tomatoes, basil, lettuce, cucumbers, and some wild flowers. I still need to plant some peas, but I got done what I needed to today.
First off, I miss you. I mss you to the point that it makes me angry. I am angry because I don't have any control over the situation of being able to see you. The closest thing I can compare it to is being in prison for having done nothing wrong. I wish I could come get you and just bring you home to be with me, but it is not that simple. Nothing right now is simple or easy and that is why I am angry.
I am not angry at you. Quite the opposite. I want you to be angry with me against these things that keep us apart. Maybe if we look out into open spaces, we can scare that which keeps us apart away with our steely gaze. At this point, it is worth a shot.
So, tonight as I write this, I guess I am just feeling a lot of emotion. I haven't been angry before, but tonight it is the one feeling that is pushing through. Next comes sadness and depression, but I am working through it. I am trying, for both of our sakes, to be hopeful. I want to be hopeful that this is just a test and we will pass it together. And then we can actually be together, smiling, laughing, telling jokes, hugging, and just being present with one another. We'll be happy for how fortunate we are having made it through the tough times. Together, together, together...
With all that aside, I tried to be productive today. I had to go to the chiropractor this morning. It was very helpful. My back and neck feel much better. Then I had to go to the store for some groceries. I went to a more expensive grocery store because I needed a fragrance free soap that only they carry. After $80, I can out with two bags of goods (including two bars of soap). Then I went home, sanitized everything I bought with bleach water and put the groceries away. After that, I drilled some holes in some tins and planted my garden starts (that took the afternoon, it seems). Hopefully, we will have tomatillos, tomatoes, basil, lettuce, cucumbers, and some wild flowers. I still need to plant some peas, but I got done what I needed to today.
Today, I was also gifted some green wood from Paula's lilac tree that she had pruned. I am going to carve some spoons out of it. I have some special wood carving tools coming in the mail and they can't get here fast enough. I am really anxious to try my hand at spoon carving and woodburning. This may be my new profession if I am good enough at it to make some money. Well, I'm not holding my breath, but I'm excited to try it. It use to like to whittle when I was little, so we'll see. Here are the three pieces of wood that will become wooden utensils sometime in the future!
I guess I am past tired, Mom. I will think of you tonight as I drift off to sleep. I love you and miss you very, very much. Please stay strong and know I will see you again.
All my love,
Sally
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